Hazel Rak | President
Hazel was watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia when she heard the line "you're right in that sweet spot between suicidal and actually dead - most comedians, they thrive there!" and decided to give comedy a shot. She's currently in a committed relationship with Daddy Dickson (pictured) and has yet to be caught for her several consecutive acts of tax fraud. If you see her around campus, approach slowly and cautiously. She has been known to bite.
Izzy | Vice President
Izzy hails all the way from the south. Not the cowboy south, more like the kangaroo-riding south of Australia. Even though she has a weird Aussie-American accent, you can verify she’s international because once a year a white guy tells her she’s exotic. Her talents include low-quality impressions of Shakira and Kermit the Frog (spoiler alert: it’s the same voice!) as well as having incredibly niche knowledge about fictional worlds. If you ever need someone to discuss why the Barbie movies are works of queer, Marxist perfection, Izzy’s your girl. However, if you want to get out of that conversation alive, you either have to back away slowly or play dead. Izzy also loves cows… not in a weird way. In a totally normal, healthy way. She just has a bunch of indiscriminate folders with pictures of them on her phone. If anyone has access to real cows, you are legally obligated to show them to her immediately. Izzy didn’t make that up, by the way, it’s actually an international law.
Jonathan Wayne | Treasurer
Jonathan Wayne is an intellectual. Or at least he likes to think he is. When observing Jonathan relishing his daily cup of “bean”, don’t be a fool- he brews it only to appear cool. He uses his delicate, dexterous “monkey fingers” not only in dramatic fiddling with his beloved French press, but also in his careful strokes of Chinese characters (he is fluent), or even his unbelievably consistent bottle-flips (so unbelievable that he’s been accused of looping his “flip-tapes.”) When he is not in one of his erratic yet powerful grumpy spells, he will probably make you laugh- if he deems you worthy of being on his “wavelength.”
Owen Reynolds
His grace Lord Owen Reynolds, has ruled the swamp of Florida for his whole life. He usually solves problems by eating it with his endless appetite and when he burps, legend says a new universe is created. He is an avid lover of cats and has studied the ways of the feline species hoping to master how to always land on his feet. He is a total gamer and theatre kid, so he’s... well yeah those two things... And if you are kind enough to him he will cook you a meal, it’s like his default or something.
As part of an ongoing bit, Owen would like to clarify that he is not sexually into foxes.
Laura Ingraham
CRIME ALERT: Mysterious void creature spotted on campus. May be seen struggling to breathe after climbing one flight of stairs or becoming lost after walking only a few feet. Easily distracted, frequently nocturnal. Consistently bad posture. Approach with caution, as it appears unstable.